Here is the auction script as is – with my comments. I did not know this make of piano so I did a quick online search for the brand and typical pictures of models.
“Red Wood Coloured [Brand Name] Upright Piano & Stool 22 Years Old (very unlikely – the company ceased production 32 years ago)
Lovely Sound
Starting bid: £5000 (yes – five thousand pounds!)
Item location: [About as far west as you can get in England], United Kingdom
Seller's feedback : 1617 (so not a newbie then)
No pictures – unless you count the picture of the wallpaper that they uploaded as a placeholder.
"This upright piano was given to me when I was 8 and has served me well. It has a lovely sound (will try and find a way of uploading an mp3). The make is [Brand Name] and it was purchased from [a piano store] in London". (If these pianos were in production today they would probably be at the lowest end of the market and retail at less than £3000 new, inc VAT)
"I'm not sure what wood it is made from but it is an auburn red colour and has a very shiny gloss on top "(probably MDF veneered in mahogany and then polyestered).
"It is in good condition considering its age. There is the odd nick in the wood but I will add photos of these. It will need tuning as it hasn't been tuned for probably at least 12 years (obviously well cared for, then) (so plays quite well considering). It also has not been used for the past 6 years (except as a bookshelf) (just a handful of times since we had it transferred to our house from my parents). I can only comment on cosmetic damage as I know nothing about pianos except for how to play them so if there were anything else wrong with it I wouldn't know so please bear this in mind before choosing to bid. However, it appears to play like a normal piano aside from needing a tune."
(OK, so we have established it’s older than he claims – but that may because he thought it was new when he was given it. And it’s not top-drawer either.)
"I have no idea on piano values (ain't that the truth!) but we are selling this piano in order to pay our student overdraft and car repair debts. We would be happy to keep the piano otherwise and so will only accept the full asking price."
(So, a piano that would have retailed for around £1000 tops in 1980 is now being offered for five times as much because the seller has debts! I know that some things increase in value over time, but not a cheap southern-hemisphere built piano.)
[It gets better :) ]
"Collection only from the [stated] area of Devon.
Buyer will need to collect the item in person (even if this means attending while a courier does the actual work) as we will not be held responsible for any damage made by the courier."
(I have never, ever seen a seller attach such a condition to a sale before this. Not only does he want more than 10 times what the piano is actually worth but you've got to get yourself to a dead-end place in the West Country to supervise the collection. I know of a couple of piano removals companies who would laugh at you if you told them that’s what had to happen – and then refuse the job on the grounds it casts aspersions on their professionalism. I definitely don’t know of any courier company that would move a piano – not even across the room!)
"I will also only accept payment by cleared cash or CHAPS (buyer pays the fee) and we both go to the bank to deposit it in my account. No Paypal or cheques or any other form of payment will be accepted. "
(Ah, now we know why you have to be there when the piano is collected! Even if you turn up with five grand in pound notes, he wants you to act as a bodyguard while he banks it, presumably on the grounds that, if he just lets you take the piano after handing over the cash, you’d then try and mug him to get your money back as well. The auction site would also be interested to see that, despite their insistence everyone must allow payments via their online payment gateway (cos they make more money that way), he has refused to accept their preferred payment method. That is grounds for them cancelling his auction.)
"Buyer must make contact within 24 hours and arrange a payment and collection time within the following 7 days. Collection can only take place once my bank has confirmed the payment has cleared completely. Sorry to be so strict but this is just a security issue."
(And so, even though you are busy earning enough to pay for this grossly overpriced instrument as well as keeping a roof over your family’s head, taking the kids to football practice etc. etc. you have to drop everything you’re doing, get a piano removal company to make a special trip for you (you’d be exceptionally lucky to get a part-load deal at such short notice), go to the bank for the cash (Why would you send it electronically to him? He doesn’t trust you at all, and you’ve a) got to pay the fees and b) got to be there when the piano is collected anyway.), arrange time off work at short notice, travel halfway across the country (unless you happen to live in Devon), go with him to his bank and wait while he has the cashier confirm that you didn’t just run all those fifties off on your laser printer, and then he’ll let the removal company pick up the piano for you. As I write this, there are 642 upright pianos for sale on eBay. Why would you bother with this one?)
I do believe this piano is still for sale ;)
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